I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
