I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
