I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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