your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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