from now on my penis is your penis
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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