I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
