Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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