I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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