id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
