Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Boobs are out for the taking
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
