Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
