ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
