Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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