i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
