Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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