two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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