fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
