i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
