Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
