fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
3 2 1 whiskey
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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