I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
