hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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