I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
