When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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