so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
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