Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
