i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
