I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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