I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
As shirtless as possible
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
