Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
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I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
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While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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