I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
