hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
