I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
