Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
30 People Reveal The Moment They Realized: ‘Oh Sh*t, I’m An A**hole’
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
30 Tiny Celebrity Tattoos You’ll Want To Run Out And Copy ASAP
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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