I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
