I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
