Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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