Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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