So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
