I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
