Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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