He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Your penis caused this!
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