what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
