Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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