Even the bartender felt bad for me
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Randomize
