I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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