I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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