she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
its not stalking. its research.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
