Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
