just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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