There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
