You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Randomize
