She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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