I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
