I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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