I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
