i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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