he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
