If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
