Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
